How to Identify Which Bridges to Burn (A Tactical Guide)

From below deck of the Fleet Sailing Vessel Matilda I write about how I torched every bridge and used the fire to light the way forward

and may the way be conquered before me

I saved this image years ago, before I knew I'd need it. Everything happens for a reason; I've experienced too much, taken too many dramatic course corrections, enjoyed too many "random" coincidences to believe otherwise.

The gravity of torching any bridge isn't lost on me. But someone, somewhere, has someone, somewhere, that they'd be better off without. I'm sharing my experience, so others have one more tool for navigating this strange, sometimes cruel world.

There are days that must happen to you, and days you must happen to the world. If moved to burn, make sure it's worth it. If it's worth it, make it teachable. The more we share, the more one bowl becomes plentiful, yo’.

Most people die 50 miles from where they were born, imprisoned by relationships, obligations, and mentalities they're too afraid to burn away.

I'm writing this from the cabin of my 1981 Bangor Punta Cal-31 Sailboat, Matilda, and we are tied up nearly 1000 miles from the basement where my old life ended. Between me and that basement are the ashes of every relationship that was killing me slowly. My mother, my cousin, my entire extended family have all been reduced to memories and ghosts now.

20251011:1943 | Mother Nature's putting on a wind storm. The boat rocks violently every 5 minutes or so while rain showers the deck above. I smell jasmine and vanilla on the air from my plants and candles, hear soft music from my speaker. In January, I'll untie to begin my trip around the world. Just over a year ago, I was wondering how I even ended up back in Chicago … and more specifically, I exactly I found myself going from Sergeant of Marines to bum living in my mothers basement.

Tonight, I've never been more free.

This isn't about mindless destruction born from spite. This is surgical cancer removal to build a better future. When wronged, all that matters is learning everything possible, internalizing it fast, and positioning yourself so it can never happen again. Some bridges are nothing but roads back to hell. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and those on the other side, is shut them out and burn the bridge down altogether on the way across. Hell, erect a wall and post a loyal sentry for good measure. Paranoia saves lives. Sometimes.

The Bridge Assessment Framework

“The Bridge” is one of a handful of “foundation frameworks” which is part of a larger project encompassing all my mental frameworks. More to come via my Open Notes Project, standby. These "foundation" frameworks lay the ground for how we move forward from the day we realize we need radical change. How have you treated others? How have you been treated in turn?

Not every difficult relationship needs to end. Some just require more solid boundaries. Some need distance. But some need fire. Don't spiral in emotions or act recklessly. Take a deep breath. Slow everything down. Shift perspective for an overarching view. Slow is smooth, smooth is sexy.

Here's how to tell the difference:

Category 1: The Energy Vampires (Burn Immediately)

For whoever needs to hear it:

Vampires are real. There are humanoids lurking about out there in the world who desire only to take from you, and without consequence. They feed on your energy, your hope and your forward momentum, leaving you drained while they walk away satisfied, never so much as even acknowledging the cost of their meal. Best’t, keep that thang on ya’ when out.

Identification markers:

• Every interaction leaves you drained for days

• You have to "prepare" yourself mentally before seeing them

• They consistently make you question your worth, sanity, or capability

• Your success threatens them; your failure comforts them

The Test: After spending time with them, do you need recovery time? If yes, that's not normal. Healthy relationships energize you and fill your bowl with what they have to offer, not take from your bowl and leave you offer-less!

The Bridge: Total severance. Block everything. No explanation required.

I had family members who only called for money while I was mid-divorce WHILE deployed over the big water. Others denied anything was wrong when I stated I was experiencing a total identity and purpose crisis. Every conversation was a withdrawal from an account I couldn't afford to steal from to begin with. So I stopped allowing the abusive spending.

Very few knew we were having our final conversation. What do I owe someone who's only made withdrawals from my personal wealth? What do you?

Bring wood and oil, burn it with fire before it lays eggs.

Category 2: The Dreamkillers (Burn After Warning)

Identification markers:

• "Be realistic" is their favorite phrase

• They list every reason your plans will fail

• They remind you of every past failure

• They're "just trying to protect you"

The Test: Tell them your biggest, wildest dream. If their first response is why it won't work, you have your answer. Don't complicate this. If someone can't see your vision, only action will convince them. By the time you have results, their opinion will be beyond insignificant.

The Bridge: One clear warning: "I'm building something. You can support it, offer improvements, or keep your noise from my signal. I refuse to hear why it won't work." When they violate this (and…they…WILL...), execute complete cutoff. You clearly explained. They clearly flipped you the bird, raised the middle mast, and sent out the lone private in protest. Live in reality. Think logically. Act ruthlessly.

My mother had no retirement plan but could spend time questioning whether my online business would work or not. Struggling financially but "too confused" to learn systems that could save her. After the fifteenth identical argument, I realized: she wasn't confused. She was committed to her struggle.

Horse --> Water

Shoe --> Fit?

Situation --> Match?

Bridge? Burn.

Why? You become the average of who surrounds you. If you aim for heights, you can only take those willing to rise. Those unwilling to change remain tethered to comfort, and thus, stagnant in place. Physics says "nah".

Category 3: The Past-Holders (Burn Gradually)

Identification markers:

• Every conversation includes "remember when you..."

• They can't see your growth

• They treat you like who you were, not who you're becoming

• Your evolution makes them uncomfortable

The Test: Have you changed significantly in two years? Do they acknowledge it? If no, they're holding you to a ghost; a version of yourself that no longer exists. Don't let someone stunt your growth by delaying transformation.

The Bridge: Gradual fade. Decrease contact slowly. Let the relationship starve rather than explode. Why send long messages to someone who only knows you from five iterations ago?

Category 4: The Obligation Relationships (Stop Maintaining)

Identification markers:

• You only maintain contact from guilt

• "But they're family/old friends/etc."

• The relationship exists on autopilot

• Neither party enjoys the interaction

The Test: If they didn't exist, would your life improve, deteriorate, or stay the same? If it's "improve" or "stay the same," why maintain this?

The Bridge: Just stop initiating. Stop responding quickly. Let it die naturally. Why get sideways over someone who never bothered checking in? The anxiety melts when you just let go. End the chapter mid-sentence on an em dash—

The Pre-Burn Checklist

Before even thinking about getting your freaky little pyro on, answer these:

1. Have I tried boundaries? (Sometimes a fence with a sentry is more appropriate than using the Wildfire)

2. Am I burning from emotion or strategy? (Wait 48 hours after conflict. Write about it. I'm obviously biased on the writing aspect of emotional regulation, but it helps.)

3. What's the worst realistic outcome? (Usually: nothing changes except you're free. There are 8 billion people on this planet. Read that again.)

4. What bridges am I keeping? Where am I building? (Need at least one sanity connection. If solo, find social spaces. We're social creatures, and minds are fragile things when not tended to appropriately. I would know.)

5. Am I prepared for the silence? (It's louder than you think. I've gone insane a few times. You start thinking about thinking about thoughts.)

The Burning Protocol

Step 1: The Decision (Not Discussion)

This isn't negotiation. Once decided, it's done. You are a force of consciousness, a manifestation of human will made flesh. You need no permission to steer your life toward greatness, let alone safety or sanity. Your authority is your own. Your ability to act is birthright. Your thoughts are simply reality pending action.

Step 2: The Extraction

Make. A. Gorydamn. Plan. I had several. None survived contact with reality. Expect things to go wrong. Make realistic preparations. I knew I was in for a bit of travel and uber use, I knew that I was about to make a handful of large purchases. Documents got printed, calls got made, tickets got bought, rides got secured. It only takes a few hours to work things out if you sit down with a bottle of water, some determination, and the copy of your last reality check.

• Retrieve what you need (items, documents, money)

• Screenshot important information

• Save photos before losing access

Step 3: The Method Selection

The Ghost Protocol: Disappear completely. For toxic/abusive situations.

• Change phone number

• Block all platforms

• No announcement

• No explanation

Don't fall back on programming that you owe anything to those who've only taken. If true barbarians are at the gates of your city, obscure the path from city to gate…with careful haste…today…whudduya say?

The Declaration Method: One final message. For family/long relationships.

• State the decision (not reasons)

• Make permanence clear unless change is made

• Don't invite response

I made it known that if changes were made I could be found in the future through the all-powerful and all-knowing Google Machine. Messages have come. Change has not been made. No reply has been sent.

The Fade Method: Gradual withdrawal. For obligation relationships.

• Increase response time incrementally

• Decrease initiation to zero

• Let them draw conclusions

Recent replies I've sent:

"I respect myself too much to maintain this relationship anymore."

"My peace isn't up for negotiation."

"If I'm explaining the bare minimum, it's already too expensive."

"I don't argue with people committed to misunderstanding me."

&

"Silence is how I stop feeding what drains me."

Copy. Paste. Send. Exhale. There. I've done the lifting for you. All better? (definitely going to insert a document with more here in the future, and yes, I'm shamelessly plugging personal edit notes into a published article. whut is ya goinsta do bout it?)

Step 4: The Aftermath Management

First 30 days:

• You'll second-guess at 3am (normal, we're masochistic sometimes; freaky)

• You'll want to check their social media (blocked, so you can't. Big brain)

• You'll imagine reconciliation scenarios (lies. deception. fantasies; let them pass)

• Mental gymnastics with clowns and monkeys (people guilting you back)

Stay. The. Gorydamn. Course. Relief comes after grief. Think how quickly we forget news cycles. Who even is that Epstein guy, and why is everyone upset about Diddy having baby oil on his island?

The Bridges You Never Burn

Some bridges are load-bearing. Burn these, your structure collapses:

1. Anyone Who Really Sees You - True companions have covenant blood in their veins. More viscous, more precious than womb water.

2. Professional Bridges That Don't Harm - Reputation is currency. I could return to The Vig if needed. They never wronged me. That factory job, however...

3. Memory Bridges - End relationships without erasing history. If no need to burn, spend energy elsewhere.

4. Future Utility Bridges - Some relationships are dormant, not dead. Paths may intersect again. When the time comes, ensure you're attaching to flowing highway, not backed-up interstate, however.

What Actually Happens After

What they don't tell you about burning bridges:

Week 1: Panic. "What have I done?" Want to rebuild. Don't.

Month 1: Silence. Phone stops. Inbox empties. Realize how much noise existed.

Month 3: Clarity. See the cost of those relationships. Energy returns. Creativity explodes.

Month 6: Transformation. New people appear. Same-game players matching who you're becoming, not who you were.

Year 1: Freedom. Realize that most "problems" were others' drama you carried.

Imagine that.

The Truth About "But They're Family"

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". It might not be the original phrasing, but it captures a truth I’ve learned the hard way.

Family is behavior, not biology. (<-- gonna be a future link right there too. yessur) This, thing, is a lived act of loyalty and care, not an inherited title. Family is a verb, not a noun.

The people who abandoned me at birth were “family.” 

The people who abandoned me at my lowest were “family.” 

We’re all playing the game of life for the first time, guided by the bad notes of our forerunners, and I acknowledge that. Still, on both accounts and every occasion since 2017, I just expected better.

Your bloodline doesn't require blood relatives. It requires people who don't poison it.

I served in the Marine Corps, and I was betrayed and failed time and again. My view is no doubt shaped by that, but I’ve come to believe this much: when we choose someone, when we deliberately make them part of our world, that bond carries more weight than one assigned by birth.

Family, by birth, is a gift that I acknowledge fully, and will one day again partake in fully.

But found family is an honor. It’s forged in the fires of shared struggle and chosen loyalty. It bridges worlds that were never meant to meet, and in doing so, it creates something sacred because it is chosen. I register that deeper than blood, precisely because it isn’t blood.

We’re animals, yes, but we’re human animals: upright monkeys wandering this good Earth, competing at every opportunity. Yet when two people decide to form an alliance instead of a rivalry, when they build trust where none was owed, that’s when tribes merge. That’s when humanity becomes something more than just survival.

Maybe there’s a dash of cope in that, but it's keeping me keeping on, so I rock with it and declare it now: The Current Groove. 

The Final Test

Ask yourself: "If I met this person today, knowing everything, would I choose to let them into my life?"

If no, why keep them?

It really is that simple, we make life more complex than it needs to be, yo'.

Light From Darkness

I don't burn bridges to hurt people.

I burn them to stop hurting myself.

I don't burn bridges from anger.

I burn them from clarity.

I don't burn bridges to be dramatic.

I burn them to be free.

Every bridge burned lights the path forward

showing not just where not to go,

but who you no longer need to follow.

Those meant for your future will find a way across.

The rest will stand on the far bank, wondering why you left.

Let them wonder.

You'll have found your light from darkness,

and you'll have gone fast and far

through hardships, to the gorydamn stars.

Lux ex Tenebris | Per Aspera, Ad Astra

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This is Week 1 of a 12-week series documenting my journey from the void beneath hell to ground zero just above the pit, and the frameworks that got me here. Next issue: "Why I'm Building in Public (And Why You Should Too)". Next Week: "The System Behind the Chaos" If you're reading this at 2am wondering if starting over is even possible...it is. I am your proof. Don't drift in darkness, build a way out. If you need some inspiration, check out my publishing hub.  I believe in you, frfr, yo'.

- Isaac