what is lost is gone
Violence mars the flesh, but trauma scars the soul
People do not simply disappear but go through an entire process of steps to become as invisible as they feel while in rooms of dozens, hundreds, even. People do not simply "self isolate", but are forced to hide bits of themselves away until there is nothing left to create stimulus in the gaze of those around them.
yet mfs think I just decided to up and walk away for no reason at all to put myself at the edge of existence and attempt to build a meaningful life there.
While I'm thriving, it is not the case that any of this was by my own choosing. There have been blades to my neck, gasoline keeping the towel over my face wet, and firearms aimed at my head. I have performed under duress, and survived, now I must guard my perimeter to protect my conquest.
I have stolen back control of my life.
If you were betrayed and cast out of your own kingdom, after you broke the thousandth siege and retook the land, would you allow just anyone to walk freely through the prize you reclaimed just as shops were being rebuilt and music was heard in the streets again?
you never know what may happen to a being left in isolation. one may become bitter, or grow mad, even. then comes that time when they inevitably perish, but this may happen in soul or spirit, long before the body gives way to entropy. if you've forgotten me once, do so again. what you knew is no more. only I remain.
If someone wants a place in my life, wanting me around is not enough. They have to know the man standing in front of them, not merely remember the man who died behind them.
A lot of not so cool things have happened to me and throughout the runs of my life. The point of it all is that while I was subjected to circumstances I did not believe I deserved, I survived what tried, more than once, to snuff me out.
And I survived it alone.
I have learned after my fall and by my journey through all these worlds that I have actually been alone for most of my time on this planet.
People had watched me descend and lose pieces of myself as my mind retreated into places I barely recognized. Eventually, somewhere along that descent from The Shattering into Our Darkest Days, I stopped expecting anyone to come.
abandoned on the field with no Caesar save me (and now I literally talk to myself outloud and mumble Latin at random to keep myself, 'sane')
There comes a point in mans life where he must realize and accept that some of us were simply created to face struggle and challenges. Man, made to bleed, and we are blessed for it once we are willing and fully committed to doing The Work Which is Required to face the darkness of the daylight and conquer over every hardship, no matter the cost.
and there was great cost suffered along my route from ruin
I learned that there truly is no one who will come to save you during the trials we face, so Man must himself become the savior if he is to reach any form of safety, let alone stability or ambition.
Then came a great accounting of all things, and there was a schism following the reckoning of all that was and all that had been.
We then understood that there may be people who say they love me, institutions that claim to support me, friends who promise they will be there, and still no one may arrive when the walls finally come down and there are barbarians at the gates.
Such a thought had genuinely never occured to me despite the dozens of occasions that pointed to the fact. I thought.... does it even matter at this point?
Peace and progress require a firm foundation upon which a man can safely build his life, so I broke formation from the Societal Compact and rejected all the fabrications promised to me by everyone who came before.
I struck out as drifter to build something new elsewhere.
I clawed, through violence of action and spite fueled willpower, my way up through the pits of hell, and further still to bring myself back up to ground zero. In that process, the man who had existed before the fall perished and was burned for fuel and firelight.
Now only I remain.
There are some who approach me today believing they are asking for the return of something that still exists, but they desire that which is now lost and gone.
And... why should I allow someone into a new beginning when they were absent for during the destruction of all that came before or the salting of the earth which came after?
Who was there with me as years were spent crawling through ash and picking through both bodies and broken things, trying to determine what was left that even could be carried forward, but the voices in my head and the faces of my potential ruined future selves?
We have normalized wanting to keep people in our lives without ever being able to articulate what that relationship actually means or where it is supposed to go, and we have normalized treating people we claim to love as optional.
I no longer participate in that arrangement and choose to break formation.
They did not help rebuild this place that only We solidified through blood and tears, now they arrive seeking entry as strangers. Shared history does not mean shared understanding. Someone can know who I used to be while having absolutely no idea who I am now.
These people who do not know what I value do not understand what I stand for nor care what moves my soul, and there is no true desire to even conversate on these matters. What I am building, what I believe, and where I am going is bigger than me; I must guard this life by any means.
My goals are too great, and my mission is too important, to sacrifice what I have rebuilt for the comfort of people who chose to reappear after both collapse and reconstruction.
I will not lower my guard for strangers simply because we share a history, nor will I reopen the gates because someone finally decided they miss what was lost.
And I will not allow the darkness, or anyone who may bring more stress and more entropy, free passage back into my life.
And by Bob and The Maker on High, we stand tall on this mountain.
- Creator Captain TheIsaacLester
Lux Ex Tenebris
Per Aspera Ad Astra
Legio Sum
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